The Place of Not Knowing the Answers
Over the last two weeks a powerful energetic transformation has been happening for lots of people. I have experienced the brakes being put on many endeavors into which I had thrown copious amounts of energy, and the wind … which had been blowing hard and filling my sails, propelling me forward with ease and power … has died down to a gentle breeze. My physical body, my mind, my emotional self–they are all telling me to rest, to cease effort to progress, to do nothing and BE. The passion that was driving me like a wildfire inside my heart is now…a teeny tiny flame.
The challenge I have with not DOing and just BEing is that in my life, I have battled depression. That sinking, sliding into quicksand that traps you in your bed; that sticky tar that wraps itself around your mind and heart so that even simple tasks like buying groceries seem like a marathon. I’ve never allowed myself to rest more than a night’s sleep because of my fear that depression will set in. Every day of my life I want to accomplish something that makes me feel like I’m moving forward; it makes me feel secure, like I have some measure of control, if I am accomplishing a task. Therefore, this REST directive has got my heart beating like a deer frozen in the headlights. If I allow myself to rest, will I become ensnared by my enemy?
Upon waking this morning, I allowed myself to feel into where I am in this moment. The answer is simple: “I don’t know.” I am not sad, not angry, not frustrated, not desperate, not anxious. I am not any of the emotions I have previously been when depression has come knocking on my door. The difference between me now and me two weeks ago seems to boil down to a few factors: I am not clear on my immediate path, I am not on fire with passion and purpose, I am being encouraged to wait rather than act.
This is what it feels like to just BE, and to rest. (And I’m cheating because writing this article makes me feel like I have some tiny control over this situation.)
Spirit is always talking, always teaching. When I thought this morning of how I feel inside, I thought of a deer in the headlights. Upon looking up the animal medicine of deer, what deer can teach us for our lives, I found this passage in Animal Speak by Ted Andrews: “When deer shows up in your life it is time to be gentle with yourself and others. A new innocence and freshness is about to be awakened or born. There is going to be a gentle, enticing lure of new adventures. Ask yourself important questions. Are you trying to force things? Are others? Are you being too critical and uncaring of yourself? When deer shows up there is an opportunity to express gentle love that will open new doors to adventure for you.”
Meandering to a new adventure rather than plotting the course and commanding the wind to fill my sails? Hmmmm. Perhaps there is a lot I must learn from deer. Deer seem to know when to wait and watch, and when to move, sensing the threat or opportunity in the moment, and being guided by Spirit to water, nourishment, and safety.