The eyes of love
This morning I did a journey to Sandra Ingerman’s Transmission of Healing, and I was asking to receive guidance on the most important action I could take today to advance my purpose path. I was expecting to receive messages about website work, or videos I could record. Instead, I saw my beloved in front of me and realized…I was afraid of him seeing the woman I used to be. Or rather, she was afraid of him seeing her, afraid she would mess it all up for me.
I could feel her lurking in the shadows of my mind, ashamed and regretful for many choices made on this path to self. So I visited her in all the places she was crying and I held her. I saw her in that hotel room in Dallas, puking in the bathroom after having sex with a man she didn’t know. I saw her crying in front of the bathroom mirror just months before the end of the marriage, hoping beyond hope that it would get better. I saw her trying her best to look the part, to be perfect for the world, even though she was disintegrating on the inside.
On this meditative journey, I realized that in some ways I disassociated from my former self so that I could build an entirely new life for myself. I even gave myself a new name to make a clean start. And it worked. All the healings, introspection, inquiry, framework shifting, and breaking of inner subconscious agreements worked to liberate me from the life I used to live. Yet, she lurks in the shadows, afraid to be seen, afraid of causing trouble.
So today I opened my heart even bigger and invited her to sit at the table with me and my beloved. I saw my lover sitting as he did last night at dinner, and I invited her to sit beside me and let him see her. I welcomed her to come as she was, no excuses, no pretending, no striving. Just to be. I put my arms around her and told her that I love her. And I told her, he loves you too. “Why?” she asked.
I answered, “Because without you, I would not exist. Thank you for everything you experienced and chose that brought me to this table.”