I have a very powerful imagination. Most of my life I have been an artist of some form: oil painter, pastelist, fused glass designer, creative writer. I wrote my first story at eight about a mouse family traveling across the country. I spent hours mesmerized by my dolls in my room and the conversations they would have in their Barbie townhouse. I performed for an invisible audience while I twirled my baton in my room.
Only recently have I truly fathomed the depths of my creativity, and of the power of my own intention and imagination–fueled by my intense passion–to actually create my life.
Two years ago I left my marriage, my relationship that carried me from a naive girl at 22 to a full grown woman and mother at 42. For several years at the end of my marriage, I longed for the intense, passionate love I had felt for my husband before the responsibilities piled up and our relationship became strained. When I finally moved out into my own place, the first thing I did was log onto an Internet dating site to fill this insatiable desire.
Very shortly after joining this site, I met a man and I fell for him hook, line and sinker. I enjoyed his wit and charm so much that I would imagine a life together while drinking wine in my bubble bath at night. I would send him love over the ether–a joyful excited happy love–and nearly every time would be rewarded by a text from him just moments after. I placed my entire focus on this man, on having his attention directed my way and being in his spotlight.
A few months after we had been talking, he visited me in Austin, and every dream about him that my imagination concocted was confirmed—reinforcing the dream and…casting a very powerful spell. I fell in love with him and told him so. Unfortunately, this began the decline of his participation, along with the fact that my life at the time was complicated by the normal ups and downs and confusion associated with being recently divorced.
Needless to say, with the timing of our meeting, the relationship failed. I tried to let him go. I dated other men, but every man simply was compared with my beloved. They would routinely fall short of his pedestal: they weren’t as witty, couldn’t hold a conversation as well as him, or weren’t as handsome. Later, when I started my shamanic training, I performed recapitulation to pull my energy back from him, and to release his energy from my being. I cut the cords ceremoniously to release my attachments to him. I set my intention through prayer to let him go. I talked to myself in the mirror. I wrote about it in my memoir, piecing it together and understanding it as best as I could in the hopes that this understanding would allow me to release it.
Always, though, I would return to him in my heart. I would bake him chocolate chip banana bread and mail it to him with a card. I would send him an email with my latest understandings and apologies for any ways I transgressed or hurt him. I would sing him a song and email or text it to him. He would often respond to these communications, but shields were up and the guarded protected nature of his distrust only served to frustrate me afresh. I would end up having to sever ties all over again, and renew commitment to letting him go.
This pattern has gone on for two years. I have felt a great deal of frustration with myself. Why can I not let go of a man who clearly does not truly desire contact with me? It’s completely irrational.
After spending several hours deep in meditation with my heart, connecting with my intuition, I finally understand what has happened. Unconsciously, I have cast a powerful spell on myself: I created a story in my heart and mind every night in the bathtub, that story came to life when we interacted in person and was reinforced and magnified with every thought, touch, conversation, and kiss. I fueled that story with the power of my unbridled passion, the passion that finally had a target to focus on after being starved so long. The story of “us” which is my imagination fueled by my perception of our early interactions, has become more powerful than my current experience of the man. It shouts at me “This is the real man”, while my actual experience of the man for the last year and half has been that he is distant, cold, and unavailable.
So the work that has to be done is to release the spell that I cast, to let go of the dream of love that this man inspired in me, to release my attachment to the notion that he is my soul mate. In releasing my beloved, I have to release my fear that I will never find another man that opens my heart the way he did.
For this moment, what is needed is a powerful spell. So here goes…with PASSION and INTENTION!
I release the dream of you that inspired my heart to feel love again.
I embrace the dream of me that I am a powerful creator, and can dream anything into this world that my heart desires.