Posted on June 2, 2016
For 20 years I explored the deepest question from my soul: can I find a way to be loved and accepted by someone who only believes that I am flawed and wrong? That I am “almost good enough”. In truth, this was my soul trying to love myself and understand an early childhood with a violent drunk who lashed out unexpectedly and often. My inner child was trying to figure out “what did I do wrong?” And so I attracted a husband who uplifted me and then decimated me in the same breath. I attracted a partner who, himself, was the child of an emotionally and mentally abusive alcoholic father, and also did not know how to love and accept himself or others…he only knew how to find fault so that it could be rectified in the hopes of finally being perfect enough to be loved.
Over the last four years of my healing journey I have let go of my image of perfection little by little. I have allowed my belly to be poochy and loved it anyways. I have developed the skill of self compassion. I have quieted the inner judge who previously reviewed every misstep with a microscope over loud speakers. I cultivated enough love inside that I withstood my former spouse yelling at me last year “thanks for fucking up our son”. I finally had enough self awareness that I knew his statement was a projection of how he felt about himself, and I didn’t need to take it personally.
And as my 16yr old son continued to explore how many mistakes he could make to gather wisdom for his tool bag of life, I continued to dive into exploration of my own fears of not doing it “right” and being exposed and punished for making a misstep and my ex husband played right into my cosmic game of soulcards by reliably casting blame and threatening that I will lose my son.
Today I realized I have still been seeking validation from a person who will never give it: my abusive alcoholic stepfather morphed into my former husband to become one and the same and the dynamic of withholding support and acceptance has been unabashedly playing on in the darkest realms of my subconscious.
A profound realization: neither of these men will ever accept me or validate my worth. You can only give to another what you already possess. If you do not accept personal responsibility you cannot see yourself clearly. If you do not see yourself clearly, you cannot see others clearly. If you cannot see others clearly you cannot possibly validate who they are because you don’t know who they are,…you only see your own shadow, disowned, hovering in front of your face and distorting everything you see. You are trapped in a world of disillusion, fingers pointing in every direction but back at self, trying desperately to be perfect enough to win the affection of a person long deceased.
Some shadow cannot accept the light. Some shadow stays in the darkness no matter how many lights shine into it. This shadow will spew toxic untruth in every direction because it’s trying to free itself from the pain of self loathing. You have to bless that shadow and release it to its own path, thanking it for teaching you the most important lessons of your life:
Posted on May 4, 2016
I had my first encounter with death when I was sixteen and my grandfather died. He lived in midwest Texas, in a little town called Kermit. We usually visited my grandparents once a year from our home in New England. At our previous visit almost a year prior, my mother had this portentous feeling like it was the last time she would see her father, and she was right. When she received the call from my grandma, she already knew what had happened. By the time we arrived in Kermit, grandpa had been at the mortuary a few days.
I remember feeling so sad that my grandpa was no longer alive, that I would never see him again, or have him tease me about my crazy curly red mass of hair. I was standing in the bathroom where he died, looking into the mirror and telling him, “I miss you so much grandpa. I’m so sad that you’re not here anymore.” I was crying and feeling an overwhelming sadness.
Then suddenly, I smelled a sicky sweet scent I never had encountered before (but the next day I smelled that same scent at the funeral home). The smell was followed by a sensation of being wrapped head to toe in a warm tingly blanket of love. I knew it was my grandpa surrounding me with his love and essence, communicating from the unseen world that all was well…that he was still there with me. That moment changed everything for me. Never again have I been afraid of death because I glimpsed the truth through this profound experience that the physical body is just a temporary housing for something far, far greater: our soul.
Now that I work with the spiritual world as part of my life’s purpose path, I realize that this early experience opened my perceptions in a meaningful and pertinent way so that, eventually, I could be doing exactly what I am doing now. Because I am aware of the ancestors surrounding us in the invisible space, I am able to be of great service to perform healings for souls in transition, or to comfort the living with connection to the beyond.
I enjoy sharing what I know with others about our energy bodies (or souls), and how to prepare in a conscious way for death.
Next opportunity to learn: Conscious Death and Dying, Sunday May 10 from 1-5pmLeave a Comment